so it's official. i am quite ill here in espana. i tried to deny it for a few days but today i woke up and can't even really swallow. lola has been taking care of me for the most part always asking how i'm doing but i'm not really sure how to express to her how sick i really feel and if i should go to the doctor or not. so.....instead of trying to explain, i'm waiting it out. it will be hard not always having someone cooking for me, and cleaning for me, and doing my laundry when i get back but its times like these where i want my real mom to tell me what to do and charlie to cuddle with on my couch. on top of this, it doesn't help that when lola cooks for us, she cooks SO much. the food is awesome and i love eating it, but the lbs are packing on fast and my stomach/intestines aren't feeling too hot and i don't like not having the control over what i want and don't want to eat. and when we don't eat everything or not enough for the spanish standards they're all like up in our grills with "no quieres mas pan, por que no???" ... because its not normal to have four pieces of french bread, a massive meal with god knows what in it (seriously i never know what i'm eating) and sides without wanting to vom lola! beggars can't be choosers though, and they take very good care of us. hopefully i fit into my clothes by the end of this month.
so this week i've had a lot of pensive moments like "what am i doing here?" "what will i get out of this?" "what kind of person do i want to be here" and "what do i want to be like when i get back?" really deep stuff, i know i'm basically a philosopher. i keep trying to take myself more seriously because i am always comparing myself to others. other people who have made more spanish friends, or other people who go out every night, or others who are hanging out with different people, or other people who have the money to do/travel more. but the truth is, when i try to take myself too seriously, i get really stressed out and disappointed in all the things i haven't done yet. i'm slowly starting to learn the art of being content with myself not having to do everything. fomo, or otherwise known in the DSM as "fear of missing out" (jk not classified as a real phobia/anxiety disorder yet, but it will be once i'm a licensed psychologist), has always been my reason to do most things. i never want to miss what other people are doing, or i want to do things that i hear about other people doing. its always a comparison that i've realized is impossible to keep up with. so especially now that i'm sick, i need to try and rest up and let some things pass. i am so lucky to be here and be able to travel and see so many different parts of the world i just need to focus on making the best out of my own experience without being afraid to be more on the mature side than is usually to my liking.
this is a really lame post that i'm sure many people will think a bit less of me for but thats okay, i'm figuring it all out here. hopefully i'll come back and people will think of me like that oh so inspirational b.o.b. lyric "great head on her shoulder, she must have studied abroad"..... but she's still deep down same old silly jill. only wishful thinking i can be tre cool. ella and i have added to our list of "reglas para sobrevivir en espana" or "rules to survive in spain" things like only eat one piece of bread at a meal, avoid bars with covers, all the life essentials obviously. so things are turning around here for us and we're very much getting into the swing (aka trying to maintain some kind of shape and stop spending money). coming up this weekend we have the playa again, this time we'll be going to nerja, and then sunday we plan on doing a 7 hour hike in the sierra nevada with kathryn. i'm hoping the fresh air and sun and exercise will cure my sore little throat but we shall see. next week i will be starting to volunteer with Granabip which is a center for people with more extreme cases of bipolar disorder, essentially i'll be be talking a lot in spanish with these people and helping with activities that keep them happy. and a week from today we'll be with the crazy germans in Munich for oktoberfest! gotta get better and make a full recovery cause get ready people its bound to be a post with a lot of shenanigans.
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